Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Its all because of you.....

This is all because of you!!! how many times have we heard this phrase or how many times have we hurled it at others?putting the blame on someone during an uncomfortable situation is the simplest thing to do....We all do it sometime or the other.Right from childhood facing conflicts is an ongoing learning process and many times we as adults run away from conflicts more than kids.My elder son is extremely naughty and after a mishap we always end up asking"A ! was that you who did it?"once he told me with a very serious face "No! it was Elmo!!!" now he blames it on his baby brother!sometimes the poor chap takes ownership for things he was in no way connected!!!So i realized, after repeated use we almost come to believe in the blame game!!!So now he believes,whenever there is a mishap,he is connected to it in someway!!poor kid!I am trying to teach him to take responsibility for only what he did.More than the kids i feel we adults enjoy the blame game immensely!specially between spouses and partners!We tend to easily get tangled in the"who did what for whom and when" kind of webs.Its hard to break free from such sticky webs where Ego , emotions and deep rooted beliefs are inter-twined.Its easier to throw such phrases at your partners face because you know they are not going to hold a grudge against you for that.So you end up in a mess and when questioned about it, shout your favorite phrase"All because of you!!!" and walk away while you partner stares back with a "What? Me? How?" look!! and shrugs away with a "whatever".This saves us from the much dreaded anxiety monster for the moment.To understand this behavior pattern better,i read up some bits from Sigmund Freud.( i never imagined i'd come across his name again in my life after i wrote the last word on my psychology answer paper in my 1st yr in college!)According to him :" The purpose of the Ego Defence Mechanisms is to protect the mind/self/ego from anxiety, social sanctions or to provide a refuge from a situation with which one cannot currently cope." Now this sounds simple but on deeper thought if the habit of blaming continues then the mind believes what we say, like my son who started believing that he was responsible for all the mishaps because of repeatedly asking him if he was!this also breeds a negative ground for holding resentment and grudges which can slowly start eating your relationship.Most importantly i feel this affects the person who likes to throw the blame ball at others the most, because it instantly blocks the persons self growth. By putting the blame on another person he has given up the power to change and evolve into a better and stronger person.The most important lesson i learnt from this entire thought process is that We can not control everything that happens in our life,no one can!the only thing we can control is our reactions to events outside our control. and how we use that to evolve into a stronger person than we once were... I thank my 3&1/2 yr old son for giving me this food for thought and thereby teaching me this important lesson.


  1. It s called MLOR - momentary lapse of reasoning.

    I think the root of ego - is hurt.Deep rooted angst tucked in somewhere the conscious mind does not know.When put under stress again..it shows itself...sometime in rage and sometimes in sentiment. I really dont think there is any right way to deal with it.It has to be a trial and error process..where one keep disciplining self till a full control over emotion is reached. Ironically,life finds newer reasons to reignite the ego cell in the mind.So it is a constant battle.

    Passing the blame is the mind's first defense mechanism in a potential threatening situation.It s almost a reflex.Again, if trained well, one can channelize this into a positive trait - that of not taking nonsense from others...but th flip side could lead to lies and misdirection.

  2. Agree with every word Gyanban!As i said facing conflicts is an ongoing learning process that goes well into adulthood!It takes a lot of courage to own up to misdeeds.Ego plays a major role is everything we do so if we disciple the Ego,many parts of the puzzle might fall into place!but Alas!training the Ego is no easy task....